Just Gross. Period.

We all have Juli M. to thank for this one.  I'm putting that at the beginning for this post.  Along with a warning.  Be prepared to be grossed out.  It's not that somebody thought of making cotton candy green instead of pink (that's candy floss, for my British readers).  It's how they decided to market it.

(source here)

Blech.  

I suggest you go to their website for all your "I feel like being grossed out by my candy" needs.  They have reasonably priced Ear Wax Gummy Candy, Nose Nuggets Gum, Minty Maggots, Road Kill Gummy Candies, and so, so much more. 

Again, Juli did this.  To all of us. 

Excuse me while I gag

I don't like to floss.  I've met one person who liked it, and she liked gargling with mouthwash as well, so I think we can all deduce that she was insane.  Candy Town USA has a plan for making flossing more fun, but I think they're just making my morning sickness* worse.

(source here)

Bacon, waffle, and coffee.  What they need after that is a mouthwash that purports to taste like pancake syrup.  

Thanks to Juli M. for this assault on our morning senses. 

*Yes.  That's what I said.  Morning sickness ;)

So That's what it means!

Ever encountered one of those stick figure diagrams that takes longer to figure out than if they'd just written out the instructions?   The people at Noisebot have it all figured out:

(source here)

According to this I've been cheated out of a lot of bacon over the years. 

Thanks for the help Juli M.!

Bacon, bacon, everywhere

After the invasion of the talking cuties, I decided it would be a good idea for us to kick back and savor some comfort food.  I hadn't had bacon in over a year when my mother-in-law fried some up last week.  Mmmmmmmm.  Bacon.  Now, I know what you're thinking.  We've featured funny bacon inspired products before:  bacon lip balm, Mr Bacon vs Monsieur Tofu action figures, chocolate-covered bacon... I think I've highlighted even more.  And there's more than I'm even going to post here.  Apparently, bacon is truly inspiring.  Perhaps bacon-obsessed enthusiasts should just let everyone know about their passion.  Really fly the bacon colors.

(source here)

I hope this belt comes with a lot of holes for all the loosening it's going to be doing.  You'll need to pay for that bacon belt, so you need to get out your wallet.

(source here)

In case of an emergency this wallet cannot be used as an alternative food source.  Oooo, I better check the time.  Looking at all these bacon products makes my mouth water.  

(source here)

Yep.  Definitely bacon time.  Yum.

Stacy's Pita Chips

A good by-line goes a long way to selling a product.  Stacy's Pita Chips chose: 

  

Simply Naked.  Is that a description of the chips?  Or of Stacy, since that apostrophe s could be an abbreviation for "is"?  OR is this a suggestion of what to wear while consuming the chips?  Maybe the tiny script under the by-line can help us figure this out.  It says: Nothing but sea salt.  Ah.  Glad we cleared that up, um, Stacy.

Chocolate makes Everything Better?

Everybody loves chocolate. And everyone loves bacon. But could we handle it if bacon and chocolate had a love-child?

(source here)

There is a boutique in San Diego that sells these particular heart attacks in disguise. But I've done a little research and there are several specialty shops that sells breakfast meat dipped in happiness. Now take a look at this insult to chocolate's good name:

(source here)

Mmm. Chocolate covered halitosis. You could knock someone out with this bad breath. A chocolate shop in Philadelphia (Chocolate By Mueller) is famous for these onions. And just in case you were wondering what your insides look like after consuming these heinous concoctions, here's a visual.

(source here again)

That's right. Mueller also makes these anatomically correct chocolate hearts. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "death by chocolate", doesn't it?

Go ahead...DRAW!

Alright everyone, listen up! THIS is a STICK - UP! Don't any body move. I'm Mad-Eye-Mustard and I'm gonna rob this here family bar-be-que. You happy people all have it coming, so just go ahead...make my day. Now hand over the relish, that's it, nice and slow. That's why they call me the Fastest Condiment Gun Slinger in the West.

(source here)

Now you all just lay face down on the patio with your hands on your head and I'll walk away slowly. And don't you never tell nobody about this here hold up, you here? Or I swear, you better watch out. You'll be walking down the street one day and you'll get a sandwich condiment in your back!

Despair as a dieting tool

You know, I've noticed that if I post something you guys have seen in real life, you seem to think it doesn't belong on this blog.  Ha!  That's right.  I said "Ha!"  "Ha!" to the nth degree, because if there weren't people to buy this weird stuff, it wouldn't be made.  Just because you've seen it doesn't mean the people who made it aren't weirdos.  In fact, knowing some of you, as I do, it might even be an indicator of your own inner weirdoness, if ya know what I mean (fact:  I just had to add "weirdo" to the dictionary thingy that underlines things when they're misspelled.  Go figure).  Ahem.  Getting back to business.
There are quirky things that you would never buy for your awesomely weird self but which other people inflict upon you. Things like the Talking Fridge Decision Maker.  Think about what the manufacturer is implying you should do.  They want you to stand in front of your fridge and be voluntarily insulted by a talking tart.

(Source here)

Hmmm.  I'm sure hungry; I should get something yummy out of the fridge.  Preferably something with chocolate pudding in it.  First though, I will press the button on this deceptively scrumptious looking little fridge magnet.
"A second on the lips is a lifetime on the lips!"
Okay, my harpy of a fridge magnet thinks this is hopeless too.  Well, I guess I'll TRY to diet.  I'll go find a rice cake.
*five minutes later*
I'm hungry again.  Maybe my magnet will be more encouraging this time.
"Those who indulge bulge!
[sniff]  I do feel really fat today. I guess everyone thinks so.
"Naughty pickers wear big knickers!"
Whoa!  I am NOT in kindergarten anymore.  And... and... knickers is a funny word.  So there.  I'm going to console myself with a cookie.

(source here)

(Yes.  I've seen the cookie diet before too:  eat nothing but 12 cookies a day and lose weight.  Save yourself the money and eat 12 pieces of bread a day and lose weight.  Or just 12 pieces of chocolate.  Or 12 oranges.  I guarantee that you will lose weight.  I'm a miracle worker like that.)

Thanks to Lisa R., who I think submitted this stuff a month ago.  That's a long time to crave cookies. 

Down with Broccoli

The masses have spoken:  Colonel Corndog is our hero!
Down with Baron von Broccoli!
Also:  this blog is cooler than a vegetable bent on world domination.
I'm so touched.

Thanks to everyone who voted!  You rock!

Fun Friday, if you like this sort of thing

[First, if you haven't voted for who you think will win this week's food fight, see yesterday's post and then head on over to the sidebar to pick your winner. ]
Friends, I've had this product sitting on my desktop since the week I started this blog.  I've hesitated to put it up, but this being an all-things-American week that hasn't yet featured a true hot-dog (almost, with yesterday's corn-dog), I figure I just can't delay it any longer.  The reason I've delayed is that, though it creates something "cute", it's just so horrific.  Brutal.  A cold-blooded killing.  We anthropomorphize hot-dogs so much that when I first saw Octodog's Frankfurter Converter, which turns a hot-dog into an octopus,

(source here and here)

all I could hear in my head was the 6 o'clock news:

"A warning to weaker viewers, this segment contains graphic images.  Residents in the neighborhood were shocked today when they came home to find police crime scene tape around their neighbor's house.  CSI's said the crime was the most horrific they's ever investigated:  the victim's lower half was splayed into 8 so-called legs and there was evidence of multiple stab wounds to the chest.  It appears the hot-dog killer has struck again.  More at eleven."

Poor diddle hot-dogs.  They never had a chance.

Corndog vs Broccoli

Who do you think would win?

(Source here)

"I, broccoli, vill triumph over Corndog man every time.  Zo I am extremely healzee for leetle peepul, I taste terrIBLe.  I vill zerefore survive! I vil not be eaten!"*

"Ha! take the broccoli!"

"No, vhat are you doing?  Do not pour your cheese on me!  No! No!  I must not taste good!  I vill be eate...AHHHHhh"

[chompy chompy]

*This is a German accent.  Just go with the flow people, go with the flow. 


Now let's hear your vote on who you think will win this timeless (at least until they rot) tussle.
It's time for.... [drum roll please]

The first What Weirdos poll ever!!!!
I'm so excited.  You have until midnight Saturday to cast your vote in the sidebar on the right.  I will post the results on Sunday!  Feel free to enlighten us as to what swayed your vote, in the comment section below. ;)

I am snorting

Yes, I know it's combinations week and this is not a combination, but I just had to post it.  Because when I snort while looking at something, it goes up immediately.  I was browsing SkyMall (seriously, you'd think they were trying to be my sole contributors), and I came across this product.  It's name?  4"x4" Sample.  They even provide a picture:

(source here)

Do you think this is how they advertise this in the in-flight magazine?  

I found in rather small font that this is an ad for you to buy a sample of quartz for countertops in various colors, in the hope you will buy a full-size counter.  So....you'd think they'd show a picture of a quartz countertop, not a diagram of the dimensions of the sample. There are even other pictures, but this is the one on top, featured among the other searched for items.  I must admit, it does stand out.  Mission accomplished. 

MMMmmm. Soap.

Continuing this week's soapy theme are today's soapsicles, or soapypops, from Soapylove.

(Source here)

They look so mouth-watering.  And yet, not. 

Remember these yummy rocket popsicles from when you were little?

(Source here)

Each layer of this soap supposedly smells like the inspiration:  cherry, lime, and berry.  

Ha! I just realized this is an even better way of getting back at the neighborhood children than yesterday's HandSoap.  Whoa.  It just occurred to me that you may think I have it out for kids.  Not at all.  I just think that children wash their hands a lot.  Or they should.  So, spread the pranking around! Bring these to the office for April Fool's as a special treat.  You could even keep them in the freezer till breaktime ;)

Bwahaha!

Seen some weird soap?  Send it in!  By the end of the week, we'll be completely clean.  And completely weirded out. 

Food Fight

(Source here)

Who do you think will win these toys' epic battle? 

They both have their strengths and weaknesses:

Bacon	Tofu
Sends Tofu’s vegan minions bolting in terror	Can’t be felled by anyone with a soy allergy
Extremely flexible for hand to hand combat	Can break into a million pieces, each following their Tofu leader
Gives heartburn to anyone foolish enough to kill it.	Threatens to unleash its secret deadly weapon, alfalfa, on salads everywhere.   The Horror.

More Brownie edges?

MMMMmmm.  Brownies.  Don't ya love 'em?  Piping hot, right out of the oven.  When cut up, everyone fights over those gooey center pieces.  Well no more.

(Source here)

Because there aren't any.  Problem solved. 

Going Bananas

"Hello?  Jane Goodall?  I'd like to order a pizza."

(Source here)

Fun Friday: Food 'n Games

It's Fun Friday today on WhatWeirdos, when we feature things that are not only weird and funny but totally and completely awesome.  Downright dynamite.  Today's theme:  Food 'n Games.

"Welcome, welcome, come in."

(Source Here)

(yes, that's "welcome" in binary)

"Have a seat.  The hamburgers will be off the grill in a moment."

(Source here)

"Wasn't that yummy?  Lip smackin' good.  Well, on to dessert."

(Source here)

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry!  I didn't realize you don't like ice cream." (I had a roommate in college who just didn't like ice cream.  Freak.)

"Perhaps you'd enjoy a cupcake then?"

(Source here)

"Let's play some games now. How about rubik's cube?  My husband can actually finish one.  Not as fast as some friends of ours, but still.  How about them apples."

(Source here)

"How about Trivial Pursuit?  No?  No one ever wants to play that with me.  Fine.  Pillow Fight!"

(Source here)

"Well, thanks for stopping by.  Come again!"

Sometimes there just aren't words.

This is an electronic yodelling pickle.  THIS is a y-o-d-e-ll-i-n-g PICKLE.  I...wha...who...why...huh?  I just...I'm speechless.

(Source here)

The Batter Blaster

As we all know, food is better the more processed it is. And if it's in an aerosol can? Well that's just the cherry on top. Remember these mom favorites: cheese whiz, cooking oil, food coloring, whipped topping? Now you can add a whole meal to the list: Pancakes. Bisquick just isn't fast enough--you still have to add milk and stuff. Who has patience for that?

My favorite part: it's ORGANIC. Cause a mom who bought a pancake in a can is definitely going to be concerned about that.

http://www.batterblaster.com/

For that perfect first date

La da de dum dum la la de de dum.... Jane sways as she listens to the music. It has been a magical night. Brad is such a hunk, and he's seems so sensitive. He's almost perfect. He isn't a vegetarian, but she thinks she can change him--she thinks she's falling in love, and eternity is a long time.

Jane is touched by his nervousness; she spotted him applying lip balm before they got out of the car. He must be as apprehensive as she. Will their first kiss be as enchanting as she is hoping? Will this be the start of a lifetime together?

*smooch*

Nope. Nada. Never going to happen.

"I'm sorry Brad, goodbye."

She closes the door in disgust. Stupid jdfoods bacon lipbalm.

(http://store.baconsalt.com/)

Thanks to Juli for allowing Jane to be frank.