Excuse me while I gag

I don't like to floss.  I've met one person who liked it, and she liked gargling with mouthwash as well, so I think we can all deduce that she was insane.  Candy Town USA has a plan for making flossing more fun, but I think they're just making my morning sickness* worse.

(source here)

Bacon, waffle, and coffee.  What they need after that is a mouthwash that purports to taste like pancake syrup.  

Thanks to Juli M. for this assault on our morning senses. 

*Yes.  That's what I said.  Morning sickness ;)

I spy with my little eye....

Look behind you.  Right......THERE!
No....RIGHT THERE!
THERE!
What?  Didn't you see it?  I totally did.  Because I found these nifty glasses that have mirrors on the inside, like rear-view mirrors on cars.

(source here)

My favorite part of this picture?  The newspaper's headline is 

"And then there were seven."

dun dun DUN!

If I ever saw someone actually wearing these, I don't know if I'd spend all my time trying to figure out what they were looking at, or whether I'd plop down behind them and confirm their worst fears:  that they're being followed.  

Bwahaha!

Porsche Pranks

Ok, so I don't actually own a Porsche. I own a '95 Saturn. But if I knew someone who owned a great car, I would love to use these prank products on them. First, I'd write them a fake parking ticket. This might actually come in handy; if I wrote enough of these, maybe I could make enough to pay rent!

(source here)

And then I would leave I nice little skid mark. If someone key-ed my car, I doubt I'd notice. But I know some people who do a walk around aesthetics check before they get in their car every day. Wouldn't you love to watch the horror on their faces if they found something like this?

(source here)

I think I'm sounding more and more evil the more I think about how much I envy beautiful cars. Don't get me wrong, my little Saturn is a sturdy little thing, and I'll drive it in to the dirt, but maybe we all just need to show our clunkers a little consideration. Even the Ford Pintos in our lives need a little tender loving care.

(source here)

I actually saw a minivan with a band-aid just like this on it's smashed up sliding door. It made me feel sorry for the little guy. I bet my Saturn was jealous that I just leave his wounds unattended. Someone call Child Services!

Someone is Dying to say Hello!

I'm not sure I understand the appeal of lawn ornaments. Plastic flamingos: ok they're tacky but kind of cute, unless you count their beady little eyes. Garden gnomes: just scary, period. They just sit there on the lawn and spy on you from behind their facial hair and pointy hats. I think the only time lawn attire is acceptable is during Halloween when people stick those Styrofoam tombstones in their flower beds. But don't you think this is taking it a little over the top?

(source here)

It's the Garden Zombie: guaranteed to make the tick-or-treaters wet their Spider-Man costumes, and make your mother in law regret offering to help you plant your tulips. The ultimate level of garden creepyness can be yours for only $89.99!

Bacon hoax

A vigilant reader pointed out that my Sunday SqueezBacon post was actually a hoax, and not a real product from ThinkGeek.  I guess I was fooled because a) I'm about to move again and I was in a hurry and b) it was not that out of the realm of actual bacon products I've found.  Seriously.  I therefore wash my hands of it.

 (non-ThinkGeek source here)

With Bacon Soap.  Smells just like bacon.  

Bacon Week!

Hurray!  It's the much anticipated BACON WEEK!!!!

Let's set the scene.
"Bonjour Monsieur!  Welcome to Chez Bacon.  Are you ready to order?"
"Yes!  I am REALLY hungry so I'll have the eggs, sushi, dip, pizza, and heck, give me a side of bacon strips."
"Excellent, monsieur.  And would you like that with strips of bacon, bacon bits or Squeez Bacon?"
"Um... I guess I'll try something new.  Give me the Squeez Bacon."

[several minutes later the food arrives]

(source here)

"Waiter!!!!!"

"Yes, monsieur?"

"Is this some kind of joke?  This looks like someone, uh, someone relieved themselves all over my food!  Look at it!"

(same source again)

"Ah!  Tis beautiful, no?  It is Swedish."

(source here)

.Thanks Juli ;)

They come by threes

We bought a car yesterday.  In the office of the salesperson there was a faded life-size standing poster of John Wayne.  On the wall behind the guy was Billy the Big Mouth Bass.  I looked outside at our soon to be car to see some people getting off a bus.  One of the men was wearing Mantyhose.  It was like a trifecta of weirdness:  definitely the place to buy a car.   

I thought about taking a picture for you, but I was afraid it would harm our negotiating position:

"Um, can I take a picture of your office?"

"Why?"

"I... um... I want to save this moment for posterity."

Candles, the new product for men

Potpourri is so 90's.  Today's man needs candles to make his room a man-cave.  Just the right candle for just the right man.  A stinky man.

(source here and here)

Other great scents you so want to have around all the time:  Garage, Fishing Dock, and Fart.  A fart you can safely light.  

Out, out darn spot!

I have been looking for this all week!   It looks like a regular, white bar of soap, until you get it wet, then the lather turns red.  If you prefer that your victims think they have the plague, and not like they just walked into a scene from Macbeth, there's a bar that turns black instead.

(source here)

"We're going to catch those thieves red-handed."

"What color are their hands now?"

Nose, this one's for you

Today, we celebrate the nose.  And all the things it can apparently do.

Noses don't just need tissue, they can provide it to.  And, this is customizable.  Who would you put on Your tissue box?

(Source here)

This next one separates the egg whites from the yolk.  And reminds you of those special times in your life when you felt like you had  faucet attached to your face.  

(Source here)

A good hot shower sure is great when you have a cold.  Now you can think of that special feeling Every time you're in the shower!

(Source here)

Moms can't even escape wiping noses when they're in the shower.

Thanks to Juli M. for sticking her nose in here ;)

Going Bananas

"Hello?  Jane Goodall?  I'd like to order a pizza."

(Source here)

Boo!

Okay, let's ignore whatever this Personal Infrared Sauna does, and focus on its other possibilities.



Cause I'm sure you've been looking for that perfect way to scare guests at parties.  Or just when they walk into your room unexpectedly while you're... enjoying whatever this thing does.  And your eyes happen to be closed and then...Yousuddenlyopenthem.  Bwahaha!  It's like a scene from that horrifying 1985 film Return to Oz where that Witch (Mombi?) has interchangeable heads.  Watching it as a kid I thought they were wig mannequins...UNTIL THEY OPENED THEIR EYES!  And started saying vicious things to Dorothy (here's a link to the scene on youtube for those who dare).  Yick.  I think I spent most of that movie with my eyes closed and haven't watched it since.  I hope I don't have nightmares tonight.

Okay, funnier thing it looks like, for all those devoted trekkers out there (among whom  I proudly count myself), is Captain Pike, who...well...man if you don't know this guy's full history, go to his wikipedia page, cause it's way too long for me to go into here.  Anyway, having commanded the Enterprise before James T. Kirk, he shows up in the original series episode The Menagerie looking for a cure/fix whatever you want to call it, to his situation:



See the resemblance?  How much time do you think Captain Pike needs in the Infrared Sauna before the effects of the "delta ray radiation" are cured?  Hmm?  An hour?  Maybe two?

(http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102981702&c=10615)

Let's all say Live Long and Prosper to Lisa R. for this gem.

Trying to forget what happened on Hoth

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, there was a really cold planet called Hoth. There, out of desperation, our young jedi in training, Luke Skywalker (after seeing a vision of his former master, Obi-wan, or Ben Kenobi telling him to go to Degoba), is put by his friend Han Solo into the steamy stinky gut of a creature called a tauntaun. Han had found him freezing to death and going in and out of consciousness. In this never before heard sequence (and not really heard right now), we get to hear the thoughts of our hero:

Ben... Ben... I don't want to go to Degoba.... So cold.....Can't I use the force to make some heat or something? I'm sosososo cccccollld. HaHaHan? Is that you? Ben.... Degoba.... Wha.....wha...warm. So warm. mmmm. Squidgy.

Smelly.
What the... Where am I?

When you were pretending to be Luke Skywalker as a child (or just an hour ago--come on, admit it), isn't that the exact scene you most wanted to recreate? Not the cool fighter sequences ("red leader, checking in"..."stay on target"), or where Luke and Han are given medals by Leia, or even that "Luke, I AM your father" scene, but the tauntaun guts. Really? Then I have the perfect thing for you:

(http://shop.starwars.com/catalog/product.xml?topcatID=1300264;product_id=1317594)

Thanks to Juli for putting us on this tauntaun's trail.