What's in your knife?

I am suave.  I am macho.  I must impress my lady friend.  What do women find most attractive?

(source here)

Neutrality.  Or the savory smell of army men.  Or Swiss cheese.  Or protecting big banks.  

Perhaps this comes inside higher-end models of swiss army knives, right between the tweezers and the toenail clippers. 

When one man's just not enough

It's really hard to come up with a name for a cologne, so marketers try to entice you.

(source here)

Wait, wha...?  What are they implying here?  That it takes 212 sexy men to make one man smell good?  Two hundred and twelve?  Or that the wearer has the attractive power of 212 men?  Why not 213 or 5?  

212:  the golden number of men. 

Watch out ladies:  be gentle.  You're not just turning down ONE man, you're rejecting enough to fill a movie theater. 

In Kindness

People, we have missed celebrating a significant holiday here on What Weirdos.  Valentine's Day.  Now, let's be honest.  Some things require delicacy.  The annoying habits of a spouse usually need to be ignored.  But what about your spouse's co-workers?  Have mercy on them.  If your dearest has a problem, get help.
Get the GasBGon Flatulence Filter Seat Cushion; this is the exact image I copied from amazon.com, which I assume is a close-up:

(source here)

Well, yeah it's black.  What were you expecting?  A label that says "This seat cushion belongs to a majorly malodorous farter"?   It does come in other looks, like violins, or a checkerboard pattern, each with a sound dampener and an "activated carbon odor filter".   

Here's the thing, I'm not making fun of the product itself; I can't believe no one thought of it before.  I think it takes a pretty awesome weirdo to help tooters everywhere. A.K.A. all of us. 

Every Girl's Dream

I have found the perfect Halloween accessory for you. Nay, the perfect year-round accessory for the man who really wants to show the ladies what he's got.
I give you: the chest rug.

(source here)

You can all thank me when this becomes a fad and spreads like wildfire.  

So much to look forward to. 

The perfect date, revisited

And now, the recurring saga of Brad and his attempts to impress girls on first dates.

The date is going well.  Really well.  Marsha thinks she may have found The One.  Her friend Jane has warned her against going out with him, but she wouldn't say why, implying it was too unspeakable to give utterance.  But what could possibly be wrong with such a wonderful man?  Jane could be a drama queen sometimes.  Marsha knew Brad understood her when they ordered their drinks at the restaurant.  She went for water, he for a milkshake.  Soda pop was anathema to her existence.  Don't even get her started about the caffeine.  Marsha, a nurse, had seen so many children messed up from its effects during her time at the E.R.  While waiting to be seen by a doctor, parents would just buy cans of the dreadful stuff for their crying children.  Can you imagine.  Brad was different. She just knew he understood the evil of carbonated beverages.  She just knew it.  Their eyes were locked...they're getting closer... and closer...

"Oh, Brad"
"Oh, Marsha"
"Oh, Brad"
"Oh, Marsha"
"Oh....Mountain Dew?"

(source:  a Target in Tacoma, WA)

"I...I'm sorry Brad.  I just, I... I think Jane was right about you.  Good bye."

Man!  Why do all my dates keep running away just as we kiss?  Maybe it's my breath.  I should get some better breath mints.  Or maybe I'll suck on a coffee bean.  I hear that kills bad breath.


Thanks to Keri W. for taking this pic for me ;)

Lonely?

Don't we all get a little lonely at night? Hubby goes on a business trip and you can't snuggle with him? Have no fear - Boyfriend Pillow is here!

(source here)

And for you gents, we have a plushy girlfriend's lap for you to rest your head on. You can feel like she's right there for you. Only this pillow won't lovingly stroke your hair. That might be a little too weird..

(source here)

But then again the term "weird" is pretty objective.

Weirdness -- a New Fragrance by Calvin Klein

Some perfumes claim to make you irresistible to women. Others make you irresistible to classrooms full of pre-schoolers.

(source here)

I know most men are partial to a musty Old Spice scent, but nothing gets me going like the smell of wax crayons. Mm mm!

(source here)

Just in case you didn't want to be around the real thing, you can just dab on a little Tobacco andWhiskey cologne after you shave.

(source here)

Only slightly more manly, is the Sultry Sawdust aroma. Come home to your lady smelling like cedar and pine and everything fine! Even if you don't do any woodworking, you can still smell like someone who does. Women love smelly lumberjacks!

(source here)

Now for you ladies, you're in luck! The Sweethearts and the Tootsie Roll perfumes are on sale!

(source here)

It will be exactly like you have candy dabbed behind your ears, except not quite so sticky.

(source here)

Every body loves to smell minty fresh, why simply brush your teeth when you can use our new Junior Mints scent.

(source here)

In fact, why smell clean at all? Just go with the Dirt smell. Yummy!

(source here)