What's in your knife?

I am suave.  I am macho.  I must impress my lady friend.  What do women find most attractive?

(source here)

Neutrality.  Or the savory smell of army men.  Or Swiss cheese.  Or protecting big banks.  

Perhaps this comes inside higher-end models of swiss army knives, right between the tweezers and the toenail clippers. 

When one man's just not enough

It's really hard to come up with a name for a cologne, so marketers try to entice you.

(source here)

Wait, wha...?  What are they implying here?  That it takes 212 sexy men to make one man smell good?  Two hundred and twelve?  Or that the wearer has the attractive power of 212 men?  Why not 213 or 5?  

212:  the golden number of men. 

Watch out ladies:  be gentle.  You're not just turning down ONE man, you're rejecting enough to fill a movie theater. 

Just Gross. Period.

We all have Juli M. to thank for this one.  I'm putting that at the beginning for this post.  Along with a warning.  Be prepared to be grossed out.  It's not that somebody thought of making cotton candy green instead of pink (that's candy floss, for my British readers).  It's how they decided to market it.

(source here)

Blech.  

I suggest you go to their website for all your "I feel like being grossed out by my candy" needs.  They have reasonably priced Ear Wax Gummy Candy, Nose Nuggets Gum, Minty Maggots, Road Kill Gummy Candies, and so, so much more. 

Again, Juli did this.  To all of us. 

The Continuing Saga of Strange Christmas Stockings

Like, Oh. My. Gosh.  Are you a fan of the Biebes too?  Like, I don't even know if that's how you like, spell the shortened version of his name.  Probably 'cause I'm a fourteen year-old girl.  I totally know what I want for Christmas.  Justin Bieber, complete with hair.  In my house.  I'll have to settle for his handsome likeness.

(source here)

Before I became a follower of his hipster holiness, I was totally into Hannah Montana.  

(source here)

She was like, such a natural actor, I'm sure she has a great career in film ahead of her, but I'm just not into her stuff right now.  I bet since she's like so cool, and famous, and rich, she's really popular.  Like she probably gets asked out a lot.  Probably crushes a lot of achy breaky hearts.   I wonder what would like, really impress her.  

Maybe some totally awesome silly bandz.

(source here)

Financial Disclosure

Today I read an article about a blogger whose readers sometimes berated her for putting ads on her site, like "how dare you make money off of our interest in your life".  Evidently only tabloids are supposed to benefit from views into private lives.

So I've decided to tell you how much money I've made.  So much that I need a special container to carry it all.  A snazzy coin purse.

(source here)

I love that I have to decide whether to put my money in the peanut butter side or the jelly side.  Another choice, for the veggie lovers among us: 

(source here)

Yes.  It's an eggplant.  It makes even less sense than the PB & J coin purse.  Eggplant?
Then again, what vegetable would make more sense?  

In Kindness

People, we have missed celebrating a significant holiday here on What Weirdos.  Valentine's Day.  Now, let's be honest.  Some things require delicacy.  The annoying habits of a spouse usually need to be ignored.  But what about your spouse's co-workers?  Have mercy on them.  If your dearest has a problem, get help.
Get the GasBGon Flatulence Filter Seat Cushion; this is the exact image I copied from amazon.com, which I assume is a close-up:

(source here)

Well, yeah it's black.  What were you expecting?  A label that says "This seat cushion belongs to a majorly malodorous farter"?   It does come in other looks, like violins, or a checkerboard pattern, each with a sound dampener and an "activated carbon odor filter".   

Here's the thing, I'm not making fun of the product itself; I can't believe no one thought of it before.  I think it takes a pretty awesome weirdo to help tooters everywhere. A.K.A. all of us. 

It's like you're really jogging

Okay, I know I said we'd be doing more funny Christmas stockings, but I found this, and I can't delay.

Behold, the treadmill bike:

(source here)

The ad copy says to imagine yourself getting out of the boring gym, running through beautiful forests or strolling down country roads, but without the hassle of getting your shoes dirty (the horror).

You're having a hard time picturing it aren't you?  You think this could be a doctored photo.  Clearly, you need to see the treadmill bike in action.  

Yes, I know your next thought is that this is an elaborate hoax.  No.  I checked.  This bike is sold, at the bargain price of $2500 (Canadian), from a group that also makes a couch bike.  Their goal?  

To unite comfort with ridiculousness.