Royal Wedding Countdown: The intellectual post

Thomas Jefferson once declared that he could not live without books.  And considering the countless numbers of books about how to plan a wedding, attend a wedding, crash a wedding, and make your own knitted effigies of a royal wedding, weddings can't survive without books either.  We need a guidebook people.  And let's keep it simple, shall we?

(source here and here)

Over 60 celebration stickers!  Something to help keep you awake at 3am when the ceremony starts.  Well, 3am if you're in the U.S.  Yes, I realize many of you are in the UK.  Lucky you.  Stop gloating.  You don't want to turn pink like Little Miss Princess.  The show-off.  I bet that's not even a real invitation.  Who labels their invites like that anyway?

Royal Wedding Countdown: Cup 'o tea

Tea is bad for you, so don't drink it.  Herbal tea can apparently be really lovely.  Not for me, blech.  But I've heard other people like it.  And no royal wedding tea party would be complete without William & Kate:

(source here)

The biggest question I have here is why is there money stuffed into Kate's dress?  What exactly are they implying?  Kate's family is already rich, so I can only assume the artist is quite bitter about not being in the teacup herself.

Royal Wedding Countdown: Now that William is Taken...

This coaster is very reassuring for you single ladies:

(source here and here)

I know what you're thinking: "Be still my beating heart!"

Royal Wedding Countdown: Knit Your Own!

WeirdoWatcher Lisa R. was browsing the shelves of her local library when she found this little gem:

(source here)

It has Yorkies!  And hats for everyone!  Can you imagine actually knitting this?  Can you believe her local library purchased it and got it out on the shelves so fast?  My favorite part?  The engagement announcement figures:

(source here)

Check out the little ring!

Royal Wedding Countdown: Your ticket into the festivities

It's only NINE days till Prince William marries Kate Middleton, so book your flight now.  I have figured out a way for you to slip into Westminster Abbey and attend the royal wedding in person!  Just slip on this clever mask!

(source here)

You're the Queen!  You'll waltz right in.  Might want to do something about the eyes though.  They're a bit freaky.  Okay, a lot freaky.  Freaky like this music video I can't believe anyone ever thought was a good idea:
(keep watching till at least 45 seconds in, then you can skip to 3:25 for the full creepiness)

Seriously, why isn't she running from the crazy eyed people?  

Weirdos.

The Cat Lady

He sauntered down the aisle.  Walgreens was a step down from his usual haunts, but it would have to do; Leanne had driven.  Larry paused for a moment to investigate a display at the end of an aisle.  The hair on the back of his neck went up--someone was staring at him.  A tired-looking pregnant woman.  Whatever.  Leanne didn't need to activate plan B, the device held in her hand.  Everyone knows leashes are for dogs.
----
Yes, I saw a cat, with owner following, wandering through the drug store. At some point you have to ask yourself.  Who owns who?  Here's a clue, if you aren't just tempted by cat lampshades,

(source here)

but actually OWN one, you might want to think about a re-evaluation.  Unless you're trying to be immortalized by an action figure previously featured here on WhatWeirdos:

The Cat Lady.

(source here)

--------

Special thanks to Juli M. for the lampshade ;)

Again, yes, I really did see a cat in Walgreens today.  For reals.

You caught me.

I'm a fan of the United Kingdom.  And they're about to have a big event.  Their biggest social event since the early eighties.  If you've been living under a rock, Prince William is marrying his long-time girlfriend, Kate Middleton, on April 29th.  They're having a national holiday, and enthusiasts are planning parties, even block parties, to celebrate.  Some people are more lackadaisical about it, but they're just party poopers.  I've been trolling for fun mementos for the party I hope to host.  I'm not a royalist; I just think it's fun.  One can carry it a bit too far...but it would be so funny to have a life-size cardboard cut-out of the couple at the party!  Right? right?  Are you judging me?

(source here)

Maybe I'll just have to settle for the paper dolls. 

(source here)

------

The big day is only a month away now.  I'm sure we can find more awesomeness  ;)

What's in your knife?

I am suave.  I am macho.  I must impress my lady friend.  What do women find most attractive?

(source here)

Neutrality.  Or the savory smell of army men.  Or Swiss cheese.  Or protecting big banks.  

Perhaps this comes inside higher-end models of swiss army knives, right between the tweezers and the toenail clippers. 

When one man's just not enough

It's really hard to come up with a name for a cologne, so marketers try to entice you.

(source here)

Wait, wha...?  What are they implying here?  That it takes 212 sexy men to make one man smell good?  Two hundred and twelve?  Or that the wearer has the attractive power of 212 men?  Why not 213 or 5?  

212:  the golden number of men. 

Watch out ladies:  be gentle.  You're not just turning down ONE man, you're rejecting enough to fill a movie theater. 

Just Gross. Period.

We all have Juli M. to thank for this one.  I'm putting that at the beginning for this post.  Along with a warning.  Be prepared to be grossed out.  It's not that somebody thought of making cotton candy green instead of pink (that's candy floss, for my British readers).  It's how they decided to market it.

(source here)

Blech.  

I suggest you go to their website for all your "I feel like being grossed out by my candy" needs.  They have reasonably priced Ear Wax Gummy Candy, Nose Nuggets Gum, Minty Maggots, Road Kill Gummy Candies, and so, so much more. 

Again, Juli did this.  To all of us. 

The Continuing Saga of Strange Christmas Stockings

Like, Oh. My. Gosh.  Are you a fan of the Biebes too?  Like, I don't even know if that's how you like, spell the shortened version of his name.  Probably 'cause I'm a fourteen year-old girl.  I totally know what I want for Christmas.  Justin Bieber, complete with hair.  In my house.  I'll have to settle for his handsome likeness.

(source here)

Before I became a follower of his hipster holiness, I was totally into Hannah Montana.  

(source here)

She was like, such a natural actor, I'm sure she has a great career in film ahead of her, but I'm just not into her stuff right now.  I bet since she's like so cool, and famous, and rich, she's really popular.  Like she probably gets asked out a lot.  Probably crushes a lot of achy breaky hearts.   I wonder what would like, really impress her.  

Maybe some totally awesome silly bandz.

(source here)

Financial Disclosure

Today I read an article about a blogger whose readers sometimes berated her for putting ads on her site, like "how dare you make money off of our interest in your life".  Evidently only tabloids are supposed to benefit from views into private lives.

So I've decided to tell you how much money I've made.  So much that I need a special container to carry it all.  A snazzy coin purse.

(source here)

I love that I have to decide whether to put my money in the peanut butter side or the jelly side.  Another choice, for the veggie lovers among us: 

(source here)

Yes.  It's an eggplant.  It makes even less sense than the PB & J coin purse.  Eggplant?
Then again, what vegetable would make more sense?  

In Kindness

People, we have missed celebrating a significant holiday here on What Weirdos.  Valentine's Day.  Now, let's be honest.  Some things require delicacy.  The annoying habits of a spouse usually need to be ignored.  But what about your spouse's co-workers?  Have mercy on them.  If your dearest has a problem, get help.
Get the GasBGon Flatulence Filter Seat Cushion; this is the exact image I copied from amazon.com, which I assume is a close-up:

(source here)

Well, yeah it's black.  What were you expecting?  A label that says "This seat cushion belongs to a majorly malodorous farter"?   It does come in other looks, like violins, or a checkerboard pattern, each with a sound dampener and an "activated carbon odor filter".   

Here's the thing, I'm not making fun of the product itself; I can't believe no one thought of it before.  I think it takes a pretty awesome weirdo to help tooters everywhere. A.K.A. all of us. 

It's like you're really jogging

Okay, I know I said we'd be doing more funny Christmas stockings, but I found this, and I can't delay.

Behold, the treadmill bike:

(source here)

The ad copy says to imagine yourself getting out of the boring gym, running through beautiful forests or strolling down country roads, but without the hassle of getting your shoes dirty (the horror).

You're having a hard time picturing it aren't you?  You think this could be a doctored photo.  Clearly, you need to see the treadmill bike in action.  

Yes, I know your next thought is that this is an elaborate hoax.  No.  I checked.  This bike is sold, at the bargain price of $2500 (Canadian), from a group that also makes a couch bike.  Their goal?  

To unite comfort with ridiculousness.  

Shopping in Advance

I've been looking at Christmas stockings.  Yes, I'm weird.  But growing up my family had a cute set of stockings and since we're about to have our last baby in May, I figure I can start looking for that perfect set of stockings.
This is not it.

(source here)

Amazon informed me that people who bought this stocking also bought Edward's New Moon inspired stocking, and the Edward Eclipse stocking.  Edward looks exactly the same in all three.  There are Jacob stockings as well for those of you who are Team Jacob (I hear you guys lost though, so I'm not featuring your stocking).

Also not a contender, for having nothing to do with Christmas, Glinda and the Wicked Witch of the West: 

(source here)

Just noticed the Witch stockings are actually just one stocking that's reversible, thus making it a perfect passive aggressive gift for a friend.  

Maybe you should just skip the innuendo and tell them you'd like to drop a house on them.

(source here)

Also not contenders for being featured on my family heirloom stockings:  Homer Simpson, Elvis, Stewie, Bettie Boop, Peekachu, Shrek, or any sports team stocking I found, including the Patriots, Raiders, Mets, Red Sox, Bulldogs, Colts, Dallas Cowboys, Steelers, Packers, or Seahawks.  I was going to put all those images up but...I don't even care that much. 

Next time here on stockings central:  famous people you don't want on your stocking.  

Announcement for the ignorant: Today is Super Bowl Sunday

(image source here)

*Note:  Oh. My. Gosh.  You would not believe how long ago I wrote this.  Seriously, I found these flower pots in June but then I realized it wasn't football season and decided to save them.  So here they are!!

For those of you who have been searching.  Searching. Far and wide, for the perfect Super Bowl floral arrangement, I say look no further.  I have the pots for you.

I totally understand why someone made these. I mean, who Hasn't worried about making the perfect floral arrangement for the big game?

(source here)

Strangely, the website says this product is no longer available.  Who buys NFL stuff out of season?  

Who buys NFL stuff at all?
Yes, I'm sure there's one of you.  Enjoy the flowers. And um, some game today.

Mantyhose in real life

A few months back, I posted about a new fashion trend:  pantyhose for men, or mantyhose.  My main source was an online magazine which has completely devoted itself to promoting the new look.  All the men in it were paid models.  So I think people asked themselves:  do people actually wear these?  In real life?
Yes.
In my perusal of The New York Times Magazine, I happened upon this candid shot of an attendee at the Jean Paul Gaultier fashion show in Paris.  He's walking down the stairs, so if you were there (lucky you), you might have only seen him from the waist up at first, before he rounded the corner.

 (source for the image, which is in a slideshow you'll enjoy, here)

He looks normal, right?  Then he turns the corner, and you see him from the waist down:

Now I'll let you enjoy the entire Look in all its glory:

You know what really makes the outfit?  The knife holster.  I mean, he wanted to be clear that although he's wearing fishnet stockings and mini-shorts, he can still cut you.  

Gyrobowl

Gyrobowl....gyrobowl...What comes to mind when you hear that name?  A sandwhich?  a gyrating haircut?  An ingenious but utterly weird piece of flatware?

(source here and here)

Yep.  It's a bowl that does not tip.  Ever (according to reliable pictures on their website).  Ice cream, salsa, all those party foods you love having spilled on your carpet, along with every baby food known to man, is safe in the gyrobowl.  It has a lid for travel and those nifty handles on the side for easy carrying by toddlers.

And klutzes everywhere.

Thanks for this entry goes to Jeff B., one of several readers who encouraged me to start the weirdness back up again.  Thanks guys. 

Back by semi-popular demand

It's been awhile since I posted.  Okay, a long while, okay, we're in a whole new year.  I'm sure you've missed me terribly.  I missed you, too.  I missed you so much I'd like to give you a gift.  The gift of dirt. And it is not cheap.

(source here)

That's right, it's even authenticated dirt. For you to put your drink on.  It's a strange household that cares so much about not getting drink stains on the coffee table but uses dirt to prevent a mishap.  And pays $40 for the privilege.

People who use coasters don't generally want dirt on their tables.

Excuse me while I gag

I don't like to floss.  I've met one person who liked it, and she liked gargling with mouthwash as well, so I think we can all deduce that she was insane.  Candy Town USA has a plan for making flossing more fun, but I think they're just making my morning sickness* worse.

(source here)

Bacon, waffle, and coffee.  What they need after that is a mouthwash that purports to taste like pancake syrup.  

Thanks to Juli M. for this assault on our morning senses. 

*Yes.  That's what I said.  Morning sickness ;)